yes, it's true. i'm eating chinese food and listening to the people a few tables away talk about their lives. when i reflect on where i am in the realm of life, i consider myself average. average looks, intelligence, below average income. these people consider themselves very much the same. and then i sneak a peek at them. the three daughters are all naturally beautiful. they're dressed nicely and they have healthy, smiling parents. one of the daughters is telling her parents about how her boyfriend left her and she has to move out of her house. the only difference between she and i is that she has two options, move home to their ranch house in the country, or back to her old apartment. how i wish i could have that problem. i have one option, hang my head, swallow my pride and move back into a suffocating environment where i'm not valued. this girl thinks herself low when in reality, i envy her. her sisters are understanding and offer her more choices, a little money, and lots of love. if only i were that lucky.
i think the point of this blog post is that, we all think we're at the very bottom of the totem pole, we all wish we were higher and we all think no one understands. but the truth is, we all have someone worse off than we are, we need to strive to understand, help and be compassionate towards those who are below us and try to give them whatever we can in the way of a helping hand.
today, one of my roommates has been texting me and threatening me, telling me that she hates her life and she's going to throw herself off of our balcony, or swallow a bottle of pills. i took her seriously, obviously, with all the deaths i've been exposed to lately, i have to. but the truth is, she was just mad and scared and wanted a savior and for some reason she came to me. it upsets me, i almost feel used. especially a person with my background. i've attempted suicide five times now. i attempted once yesterday. i am ashamed of that, i'm glad i failed. but you can't send empty threats of that nature to a person with my background. it's cruel, it's thoughtless and it hurts. people like my roommate don't understand the seriousness of a condition such as depression and suicidalism. they can't. they haven't experienced it. but for heavens sake, they can try. i'm angry at her to be honest. i was scared, terrified and all she was doing was being selfish.
a lot of people call suicide selfish. but how can it be if the person who does it, doesn't even know what they're doing? when i was attempting, including yesterday, i wasn't thinking, i wasn't evaluating repercussions. i didn't care how many people would cry. how many would lose hope. i really didn't understand how many people cared for me until i opened my eyes and forced myself to control my depression. i can now keep an eye on myself and evaluate when i am getting low so i can counter act that and keep my spirits up. obviously, i haven't been doing that or i wouldn't have attempted yesterday. i let myself slip because i didn't care enough to try. i wanted to die. and that's the end of it. it's when we see that there is no end, that we feel we must bring the end ourselves. that's what suicidalism is. it's sad, it's hopeless, and it is not selfish. it is pitiable.
my chinese food has gotten cold and my test subjects have left. i'm sitting here alone feeling very much like a tired old writer. which i am. keep me in your prayers, anyone who is out there in cyberspace reading this poor account of a teenage catholics life.
in God's love,
Me
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