Not Much to Say, But Much to Feel

So life get's rough. i think we all know that. but life is never something to get rid of. what we all must remember is that life always gives another chance. time after time. screw up after screw up. love after love. heartbreak after heartbreak. if we keep going, we can always start over. forget the past and move toward who you want to be, who you need to be. and that's what i've been doing. i've been frustrated by boys, school, the stress of poverty, and trying to be what others need me to be. but i've come to realize that even if i am who THEY need me to be, it's more important for me to be who I need me to be. even if my only skill in life is making shakes, i'll move up in the world of Braums. or even if my only skill was being a mom, i'd turn that into a career in teaching, or maybe nannying. every tiny skill we have can bring us up in life if we have the heart and the passion to do it. so never forget that you are worth it, your life is worth living, and your skills are worth exploring.

Chinese Food and Eve's Dropping

yes, it's true. i'm eating chinese food and listening to the people a few tables away talk about their lives. when i reflect on where i am in the realm of life, i consider myself average. average looks, intelligence, below average income. these people consider themselves very much the same. and then i sneak a peek at them. the three daughters are all naturally beautiful. they're dressed nicely and they have healthy, smiling parents. one of the daughters is telling her parents about how her boyfriend left her and she has to move out of her house. the only difference between she and i is that she has two options, move home to their ranch house in the country, or back to her old apartment. how i wish i could have that problem. i have one option, hang my head, swallow my pride and move back into a suffocating environment where i'm not valued. this girl thinks herself low when in reality, i envy her. her sisters are understanding and offer her more choices, a little money, and lots of love. if only i were that lucky.
i think the point of this blog post is that, we all think we're at the very bottom of the totem pole, we all wish we were higher and we all think no one understands. but the truth is, we all have someone worse off than we are, we need to strive to understand, help and be compassionate towards those who are below us and try to give them whatever we can in the way of a helping hand.

today, one of my roommates has been texting me and threatening me, telling me that she hates her life and she's going to throw herself off of our balcony, or swallow a bottle of pills. i took her seriously, obviously, with all the deaths i've been exposed to lately, i have to. but the truth is, she was just mad and scared and wanted a savior and for some reason she came to me. it upsets me, i almost feel used. especially a person with my background. i've attempted suicide five times now. i attempted once yesterday. i am ashamed of that, i'm glad i failed. but you can't send empty threats of that nature to a person with my background. it's cruel, it's thoughtless and it hurts. people like my roommate don't understand the seriousness of a condition such as depression and suicidalism. they can't. they haven't experienced it. but for heavens sake, they can try. i'm angry at her to be honest. i was scared, terrified and all she was doing was being selfish.

a lot of people call suicide selfish. but how can it be if the person who does it, doesn't even know what they're doing? when i was attempting, including yesterday, i wasn't thinking, i wasn't evaluating repercussions. i didn't care how many people would cry. how many would lose hope. i really didn't understand how many people cared for me until i opened my eyes and forced myself to control my depression. i can now keep an eye on myself and evaluate when i am getting low so i can counter act that and keep my spirits up. obviously, i haven't been doing that or i wouldn't have attempted yesterday. i let myself slip because i didn't care enough to try. i wanted to die. and that's the end of it. it's when we see that there is no end, that we feel we must bring the end ourselves. that's what suicidalism is. it's sad, it's hopeless, and it is not selfish. it is pitiable.

my chinese food has gotten cold and my test subjects have left. i'm sitting here alone feeling very much like a tired old writer. which i am. keep me in your prayers, anyone who is out there in cyberspace reading this poor account of a teenage catholics life.
in God's love,
Me

The Epitamy of Lack-of-Knowledge

 

I think that there's a moment in our lives when we realize that we have no idea what we're doing. And none of us really know where to go from there. So to keep from falling into an unknown abyss, we keep going with whatever shot-to-hell plan we had before we even started and end up in a place where we're unhappy and resentful. Is there any way around this? I don't know. I'm still at the rock bottom stage of the i-have-no-idea-what-i'm-doing stage of my life. It's very stresful. Even to the point of suicidalism. But that's nothing new for me of course. Major depressive with suicidal tendencies, that's my official diagnosis. I attempted four times in the past. The only reason I didn't attempt two days ago when I wanted to, was because I was too lazy to get out of bed and get the knife. I wanted to so badly though. I just kept sobbing and saying it over and over again, “i wish I were dead, I wish I were dead.” I just wish there were a way to do it that were painless and I could blame it on someone else. That's why lately, when I cross the street, part of me just wants to stop and let the next semi run me down. But even then, i'm scared of answering for it in front of God. Maybe it's blasphemous to say this, but I wish I could forget about God. All those people who don't know him and who do stupid things, they have it so much easier than I do. I live every day of my life for someone else who doesn't even answer my questions half the time. And maybe i'm just not listening hard enough. But the truth is, i'm just tired. Of life. Of everything. I'm tired. I'm exhausted. I have constant bags under my eyes and an ache in my back and a pain in my head. I'm frickin tired. And death is the ultimate sleep. That's the equation in my head. Death= sleep, which =less headaches and heartaches for me. But then I remember the good times. And even though at this point in my depressive state, those memories can't make me smile, they can help me to remember the feeling of happiness. How good it is. And how much more of it there is to come. Sometimes I just wonder if it's worth it though. It's so hard being on my own, having a job that barely pays for anything, having roommates who are so negative, a family that doesn't care whether I make it or not in this world. I'm scared. Thats the truth of it. What if I don't make it? What will happen to me? I can't move back home or I WILL kill myself. I can't find any cheaper housing than this. I can't get another, or a better, job until I get a car so I can go across town, but I can't get a car until I get a better job. I just don't know what to do. I'm lost. I'm walled in by hopelessness. I can't find any optimism here. I just keep going day by day, hoping that i'm on the right track, not knowing where this track, or the next will lead me. I don't know which way is up and which is down. I'm just.... floating. Flailing my arms helplessly, trying so hard to see some light but being denied at every turn. I don't know what to do. Where to go. Who to be. Nothing. I am the epitamy of lack-of-knowledge. And it's lonely here. Sometimes I just wish for the guts to be able to kill myself. Or to be more outgoing, or to be able to do fucking anything. But I'm not, I don't have those things. I'm a lazy, hopeless, sad, confused loser. And there is no recovery from that. 

looking back on this letter three weeks later, i feel very much the same as i did when i wrote this. since i wrote this, i have cut myself. i haven't attempted suicide, though the pull towards it is nearly unbearable. two of my friends have committed suicide in the past two weeks, and another died by a horrible accident. i can't imagine why it is everyone in the world, it seems, is feeling so down. maybe it's simply a ripple effect started by the first suicide four months ago in a nearby town. maybe that suicide got people in the mood. all i know is that i promised someone a long long time ago that i would never willingly take my own life, and i'm not one to break my promises. 

i've made lots of decisions since writing that last letter. i am leaving my job, my college, my apartment, and my town. i am moving back into my parents house at the age of 18. i am.... sad, i suppose. i feel a bit like a failure. i'm scared that being in that environment will pull me down even farther, but i know that the financial security that will come with it is more valuable. i won't be paying rent or bills anymore. my mom thinks she can help me get a job at a local elementary school as an assistant teacher. that's a better paying job than i've ever had in my life. maybe then i can finally buy a car. i'll save up enough money to be able to get a really good start next year, or even next semester. maybe i'll move into an apartment all by myself so i don't have needy, negative roommates to answer to at the end of the day. who knows? life can only go up from here. i hope.

Tumor

babump. babump.
a heart beat. the sign of life. a comfort in a mothers arms, a beacon in a hospital room. a heart beat can mean so much. it's the thing we all have in common, no matter our skin type, hair colour, weight, religion or history, we all have a heart beat. and when that heart beat stops... so do our lives.
this was a new way to do this type of surgery and Mika kind of liked being able to see what the doctor was doing. he was learning how to do this important surgery because the doctor would be retiring soon, and Mika was hoping for his job. Mika looked down at his patient and smiled to comfort her. this was her first time having this surgery and she was scared. it was better for her to be awake, this wouldn't take very long anyway. just another routine surgery.
Mika moved the sonogram machine to get a better view of the tumor that was to be removed. the doctor was fussing around, getting his instruments in order as Mika continued to sooth the young woman, reminding her that this was only a tumor, it would be over soon and she could go on living her life. to distract her he asked her whether she was from the city.
she shook her head, "i live outside of town. my family has a farm."
"oh really? do you have animals?
she nodded looking down nervously.
"what kind?"
"cattle."
Mika carried on the conversation that way until the doctor was ready and had put his gloves on. the elderly man pulled on his gloves and smiled at the young woman, putting his hand on her knee.
"now sweetheart, how old did you say you were?" he asked, his voice was gentle, but clinical.
"i'm 15." she whispered, she felt her leg shake under his latex touch. she was beginning to get really nervous.
"allright dear." he crooned, "just let me take a quick look here and this will be over in five minutes."
she nodded and looked up, blinking back tears. she recited in her head 'you are brave, this is the right thing. you'll get your life back.' over and over.
the old man sat down in his doctors swivel chair that Mika remembered wanting to sit on when he'd visited the doctor as a kid. "i have the laminaria in place and the betadine injection has begun to kick in."Mika said.
"very good Mika." the doctor said with a wink. he inspected the entry point of his instrument to make sure it was clean and prepared. he nodded his approval and looked over at his tray of instruments. he'd decided after looking at her chart what kind of procedure this would be, quick and simple.
he spread the laminaria a little farther to dilate the opening and slowly inserted his instrument. the teen gasped and bit her lip. it didn't hurt, but it was definately uncomfortable. the elderly doctor stared up at the screen to more specifically locate his target. he positioned and moved his instruments accordingly. Mika watched the instruments approach the small bulge and was surprised to see that when the tong like instrument touched it, it moved. as if it were running away. the doctor didn't falter. but Mika was very surprised. he watched as the doctor cornered it and got a good hold of the appropriate area and applied pressure. the bulb burst. Mika stared at the screen. the doctor retracted his instrument and reached for his second instrument, he inserted it, positioned it, and flipped the switch. the fragments wouldn't fit. he sighed and again reached for his tong-like instrument. he re-inserted it and continued to break up fragments until they all fit in the vacuum tube. when all of the fragments had successfully been evacuated he retracted all of his instruments, including the laminaria and swabbed the entry point until he found it was clean. he packed up his instruments, handed the young lady a script for a pain prescription and then left the room for Mika to tidy up. Mika still had the sonogram pointed at the spot the 'tumor' had once been. the young woman had fainted, which was normal. he turned off the machine and set down the wand. he picked up the girls legs and took them out of the stirrups and gently put on her underwear and shorts. he did these things mindlessly, he'd done them so many times he didn't even notice. he laid her legs flat and began to attempt to wake her.
when her eyes opened she was startled to remember where she was. her eyes grew soft red "is it over?" she whispered, gripping his hand.
she was shaking and he tried to hold her arm steady,  "it's done. you can go home now."
he helped her sit up and she grimaced. 'here, this is for your pain. you should avoid heavy activity or lifting for five days. do no use tampons, douche, or have sex for one week..." he recited these things as he always had. but this time, it was different. it occurred to him that maybe what had happened wasn't right. once she was safely out of the room and handed over to a female nurse for a short counceling session he began to collect the paper off of the surgical bed and cleaning and sanitizing everything. just another day. just another surgery. just another life.

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Bad Catholic

the Bad Catholic Blog is a brilliant success at what i failed to do with this blog. so look at that blog if you'd like to know about the Catholic faith. cuz i fail.
love and peace,
PS Hathaway

Winter Break

Christmas is a wonderful thing. it is a reason to get off of school or work and to eat more food and to buy yourself things and say it's from someone else.
but i think a lot of us like to forget where Christmas came from. christmas is Jesus's birthday. maybe not exactly historically or anything. but it is when we celebrate it. that's what Christmas is. so i think we should all remember that when the snow begins to fall.
my brother once asked me why we get presents instead of Jesus, my answer was this:
"Santa gives us presents because he can see God in all of us."